


Sugared Cinnamon Apple

by cloudypaws



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Daisy Johnson is Not Okay, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, philindaisy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27498922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudypaws/pseuds/cloudypaws
Summary: It was just a candle. It was just a scent. She hadn't thought about the Fischers inyears. But that specific aroma of apples and cinnamon and vanilla and sugar was so ingrained in her mind, she would have recognized it anywhere.TW: implied child abuse, sexual assault/rape, trauma, and suicide attempt.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 161





	1. Chapter 1

One thing Skye had noticed from her first year with S.H.I.E.L.D. was that it was extremely hard to keep track of what time of the year it was.

When they'd had the Bus, it was simply due to the fact that they were constantly up in the air and moving around - there was no shift in the air to signify a season change, and there was constantly different scenery below them. One day they would be above Canada looking down on a snowy landscape, then a day later they'd be over the Bahamas and there would be people on the beach. Now, at the Playground, it was even harder to know when exactly it was in the year without looking at a calendar.

Even the other agents had voiced this. Over dinner the other night, Simmons had wistfully mentioned how she noticed it was October and by now the leaves in England would be starting to shift to such brilliant hues of orange and yellow. Fitz had added that his mom used to make the most delicious apple crisp every fall, and how whenever she'd bake it the smell would fill the entire house. And Trip piped up about the upcoming holidays - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas - and how he hadn't realized that it was already October.

Skye was almost a little surprised when she went into the kitchen that morning to see Coulson setting out fall-themed decor.

She stood in the entrance for a moment, watching him through curious eyes as he carefully arranged some plastic pumpkins and fake pinecones in the middle of the table before he noticed she was there. "I thought this might help," he explained. "You know, with internal clocks and everything."

Skye couldn't help the smirk that played on her lips. "Right," she mused. "Internal clocks."

"Oh, it's lovely!" came the excited gasp of Simmons from behind her. Fitz was right on Simmons' heels as Simmons entered the kitchen, their eyes lit up at the sight. Coulson pulled out an autumn leaf garland and held it out to her.

"It's not as pretty as you described the leaves in England," he confessed. "But I thought it would be a close second."

Unable to hide her excitement, Simmons took the garland and scanned the room for a place to hang it up. Skye shook her head, amused, and went over to the toaster, grabbing an everything bagel on her way.

"Oh, and Fitz, it's not apple crisp, but I thought you might like this," she heard Coulson say behind her. Pushing down the lever to start the toaster, Skye turned, curious to see what Coulson was offering.

Seeing Fitz's eyes light up when Coulson handed him a Yankee candle was absolutely priceless. He took the lid off and inhaled deeply, sighing happily at the scent. "Oh, that's brilliant," he murmured.

"Sorry it isn't specifically 'apple crisp' scented, but I figured this might scratch that itch," Coulson explained. Fitz wasted no time pulling a lighter out of the drawer and lighting the candle, setting it gingerly right in the center of the table.

"That smells lovely!" Simmons hummed as she clipped the last end of the garland in place. As Skye left the toaster to grab the cream cheese out of the fridge, the scent of the candle hit her nose, and she froze.

That scent was eerily familiar.

"Coulson," she started, trying to keep her voice even. "What's that scent called?"

"'Sugared Cinnamon Apple,'" Coulson stated, reading off of the candle jar. "It's very dessert-y, reminds me of-"

Skye stopped listening. Her mind was suddenly reeling.

_'Sugared Cinnamon Apple.'_

The scent filled her nostrils, wafting around her head like it was taunting her. Her stomach lurched and her chest tightened as the smell seemed to creep into her mind, rustling up memories like wind stirring up fallen leaves.

_And all at once she was standing in front of the little brown house at the end of the road, the one with the overgrown stepping stones leading up to the front door, the one with the screen side door that was coming off its hinges, the one with the big oak tree out front and the deflated football underneath, the one with all the old baseballs littered throughout the grass._

_And suddenly she was sitting in the kitchen, a 'Sugared Cinnamon Apple' candle burning on the counter, her chest feeling hollow and lonely as she forced her eyes to remain on the textbook in front of her, trying so hard to string the words together but the letters seemed to dance along the page, her breath hitching as the woman cooking at the stove stole a suspicious glare at her and as the teen in the red shirt casually sat back in his chair, eyeing her as he shoveled potato chips in his mouth._

_And that specific smell of apples and cinnamon and nutmeg and vanilla constantly wafted through the air in that tiny house, filled every single room. Marianne Fischer loved that smell, it was her favorite, and Skye knew that she kept them stockpiled in the hallway closet so she could smell it year-round._

"Skye? I think your bagel is burning."

Skye's fingers closed over the container of cream cheese in the fridge and she pulled it out, slamming the door shut. Gritting her teeth, she spun back around to the toaster and popped the bagel out - sure enough, the bread had turned a charred brown that was _almost_ unappetizing, though Skye's stomach was rolling and the thought of eating anything was making her want to vomit.

"Eh, I wasn't too hungry anyway," she played it off. "Anyone like their bagel well done?"

"I'll eat it," Coulson offered, though his eyes were narrowed in concern. He crossed over the kitchen to retrieve the bagel, lowering his voice as he asked gently, "Everything okay? You feeling alright?"

Skye nodded, swallowing thickly as the images of that house crossed her mind once more. "I just... May's probably waiting for me downstairs."

Without waiting for a response, she spun on her heel and left the kitchen, her fingernails digging into her palms in some sort of attempt at keeping the confusing mix of emotions simmering beneath the surface at bay.

The scent of apples and cinnamon lingered in her nose, following her down the stairs.

But sure enough, May was down in the gym, sitting back on the bench and sipping her water. She didn't look over or open her eyes to acknowledge Skye's entrance, but she knew she was there. May knew everything. Skye wasn't surprised when she said, "You're back early. I told you to take an hour for breakfast."

"We're out of cereal," Skye lied. "Besides, I'm ready to keep going if you are."

She hoped that training would be able to get her mind off of that house, though her chest was still tight and her heart was still racing and the smell of apples seemed to cling to her, creeping into her head, taunting her.

May put her water bottle down. "I'm always ready."

Skye quickly tightened her ponytail. They'd done Tai Chi earlier as well as a few laps around the base. Afterwards they would break for an hour to eat breakfast to give them that extra boost of energy that they'd need for the second part of their training, which was focused more on sparring and strength training.

May was already on the mat, loosening up a bit, so Skye joined her, doing a couple quick stretches.

_The scent of apples and cinnamon wafted up the stairs, creeping under the closed door of Noah Fischer's room and mixing with the smell of weed. Skye sat with her legs crossed on the air mattress in the corner, her headphones in and her attention fixed on her phone, as Noah took another hit._

_Sometimes she wished he'd share. It would make living here bearable. But she knew it wasn't that simple._

_She knew it didn't come free. Nothing did._

_Not even the corner of his room that she'd been reluctantly given when this family took her in._

"Skye, wake up and get in your stance."

Skye snapped her attention back to her SO, who was already standing with her legs apart and her fists up, ready to strike. She couldn't fight that panicky feeling in her chest, but she complied - widening her stance and copying May's arm positions. May shook her head, clearly a little exasperated.

"Where are you right now? Disneyland? Bend your knees," she scolded.

Skye's cheeks warmed with embarrassment as she fixed her stance, trying to focus her attention back on May. She bit the inside of her cheek. Why was she so freaked out? It was just a candle. It was just a scent. She hadn't thought about the Fischers in _years_.

But that specific aroma of apples and cinnamon and vanilla and sugar was so ingrained in her mind, she would have recognized it _anywhere_. It simply _was_ the Fischers' house.

And smelling it brought back all of those memories she'd locked away for so long. She could almost _hear_ Marianne Fischer screaming at her to get her shit together, that she wasn't good enough, that she was _lucky_ that they'd brought her in.

She remembered that point in her life so vividly; a time she'd been quick to lock away as soon as she could. She remembered being 15, and so incredibly lost. She'd been bouncing around the system for so long, each house bringing something different, each stay ending in a heartbreak. She'd been in so many terrible houses, but also some really nice ones - when she'd wanted to stay, something bad happened and they were ripped away from her. When she wanted to leave, she'd do everything she could to be kicked out, but somehow, she always spent the most time with the families she had the worst experiences with.

She'd stayed with the Fischers for a year. One whole year.

Skye narrowly avoided May's foot coming towards her face.

"Focus," May snapped, coming at her with a jab. Skye dodged, then ducked as May threw another kick at her and advanced with a couple more punches. Her chest felt tight though, and it was hard to steady her breathing, making it difficult to move the way she was supposed to, to find the rhythm. May advanced, landing a couple of jabs, before managing to grab both of her hands and in one swift motion hold them behind her back and force her to her knees.

Skye's breath hitched.

_Apples and cinnamon and sugar and weed and Noah's room was dimly lit, the sound of Marianne's snoring echoing throughout the house, and his door was closed and Skye just wanted so desperately to sleep but Noah had offered - actually offered - to roll her a blunt and she had accepted, she wasn't going to argue if he was offering and these days it was just so hard to get out of bed and face the day, and maybe a hit would help her sleep-_

_But all things come with a price._

"-you have to have your head in the game at all times-"

_And Noah had coaxed her, told her to come sit on the bed, and she had. And the corners of his lips had upturned into a sickly-sweet smile and he'd placed a hand on her thigh and told her it wasn't free, nothing in this world was free. She'd have to earn her reward._

_And she'd said never mind, she said she just wanted to go to bed._

_"Wouldn't you rather sleep in my bed than on that awful old air mattress?"_

_She'd shook her head. Her stomach rolled._

_He told her he'd gladly roll her a joint..._

_...If she let him do whatever he wanted._

"-they don't care, they'll stop at nothing to get what they want-"

_And she'd said no, she said she was fine, it didn't matter, she was all set._

_And she'd gotten up. The air mattress was in her vision and she'd gotten up and started walking towards it._

_And suddenly she was on her knees, and he had her hands behind her back, restraining her, and he was on her in an instant, his hot breath tickling her neck._

"-so, you always have to stay focused-"

_He told her no one wanted her. He said he was doing her a favor._

_His other hand was under her shirt._

"Skye, did you hear a damn thing I just said?"

She didn't. The blood was roaring in her ears.

She _fought_. Tears welled up in her eyes, nearly blinding her as she fought back, panic suffocating her as she clumsily fought May off, her breathing ragged as she took a few steps back, her vision bleary.

"-Skye-"

Her chest was tight and her throat felt like it was closing up and she hugged herself, rubbing her arms and she staggered backwards, her cheeks growing hot - _get ahold of yourself, May won't want to train a hot mess_ \- but images of Noah and the smell of apples and vanilla and weed and the sound of Marianne yelling _never good enough, get it together, stupid worthless stupid stupid stupid_ were clouding her judgement.

And suddenly there was a hand on her shoulder and she recoiled, a strangled gasp parting her lips as fat tears rolled down her cheeks - _God why are you freaking out this shouldn't bother you anymore it was years ago, you haven't even thought of the Fischers in years, please dear God stop freaking out in front of May -_ and Skye took another few steps back, feeling her calf bump against the bench and her knees went weak and she sank down to the ground, her back against the leg of the bench and her legs pulled up to her chest, her lungs aching, screaming for air as she struggled to regain composure.

"Breathe, Skye," May murmured, kneeling down to her level and gently rubbing her thumb against her shoulder. "Breathe. Take in a deep breath - okay, one, two, three - now let it out, one, two, three."

She'd been wheezing.

May continued counting Skye's breaths until it finally became even again.

And suddenly Skye was overly aware that she'd just freaked out in front of May.

"You okay?" May asked, her brow knitted in concern, and Skye just nodded numbly in response, standing back up on shaky legs.

_That hadn't been the first time Noah had done something like that._

_Even the corner of the room where the twin sized air mattress was set up had to be paid for, and Noah made sure she paid for it._

_But that had been the worst up until that point._

_And it slowly became routine. Every single night was the same - the scent of apples and cinnamon and sugar mixed with bud. The sound of Marianne's snoring. Noah's voice hissing "I'm doing you a favor. No one wants you. You should thank me."_

_And he'd do what he wanted, and then he was done. And Skye would crawl back over to the air mattress and bury herself in the singular quilt she had been given, curl up in a ball, and stare at the wall for hours before drifting off to a restless sleep._

_She used to cry about it._

_She didn't anymore._

"Sorry," Skye mumbled. May raised an eyebrow, prompting her to explain herself.

She didn't.

She stood and walked out of the gym.

Skye avoided the team for the rest of the day. She tried so hard to focus on getting some work done but her mind kept on drifting to that house - the stench of apples and vanilla and cinnamon seemed to cling to her all day, and if she let her mind focus on the memories she could almost smell the weed as well, she could feel hot breath on her neck and Noah Fischer's hands all over her...

Trip had found her around 6:30 to bring her downstairs for dinner. His smile was kind and gentle, but Skye could see the concern reflecting in his eyes - _so they've been talking about me._

Of course May had told them - she'd walked out on training and avoided her ever since.

Dinner was spaghetti. She barely was able to choke any of it down, and she didn't willingly speak - just numbly nodded or shook her head or shrugged in response.

It didn't matter anyway - Coulson lit that stupid godforsaken candle again because he thought it would be nice and "set the mood."

_Apples and cinnamon and sugar and vanilla-_

_And Noah eyeing her at the dinner table, stroking her leg with his foot under the tablecloth-_

_And Marianne serving her half a bowl of pasta because until she got her grades up, she didn't deserve any more-_

_And somewhere in the background she could hear Ivan Fischer slamming the door shut, thumping up the stairs, grumbling and groaning-_

_And Skye could barely stomach the few noodles on her plate, she could barely hear Marianne droning on about how stupid she was and how she wasn't trying in school and how Noah was so smart, he'd been accepted into every college he applied to and she should really try to be more like him._

_All she was thinking about was how goddamn stupid and pointless this all was, how it was never going to get better, how she was never going to be wanted and no one was ever going to stay and all she deserved was what she got, because_ she _was the problem,_ she _was the reason everyone always abandoned her,_ she _was the reason the only families that kept her around for longer than a few months were ones who degraded her and hurt her, it was all she deserved because she was stupid and rotten and worthless and a hopeless case and she was never going to find a place where she belonged, if the world was a computer program and everyone was an algorithm that connected and had a purpose and a place, then she was a stray piece of code, a virus, destroying everything in its path-_

_And people got rid of viruses._

"Skye... Skye!"

They were all looking up at her expectantly. Skye looked up from her untouched bowl of spaghetti, forcing a smile, but there was a lump rising in her throat and she was certain that she was going to break at any second.

May and Coulson shared an uneasy glance. FitzSimmons both were staring at her, worriedly. Trip gave her a kind smile, but the concern was still reflecting in his eyes.

"You okay?" he asked her. She nodded numbly. He continued; "Well, it's your turn to do the dishes, but if you're not feeling up to it-"

_The plate slipped out of her hand and shattered on the ground._

_Marianne spun around, her eyes furious. Skye just stood, numbly staring at the shattered pieces, her arms hanging limply by her sides, as Marianne started screaming at her._

_And Marianne grabbed her by the hair and threw her to the ground, and Skye landed on her hands and knees, her palms digging into the broken glass, and she had no idea what Marianne was even saying, she was so focused on the glass under her hands and how it bit into her skin and the bloody handprints she was leaving behind and suddenly she was acutely aware of the life flowing through her veins, of the arteries in her wrists that connected to her heart, of how it would be so goddamn easy-_

_Because, realistically, what was the point of any of this?_

It was dead silent at the table, and everyone was staring at her now.

Skye didn't realize that she'd started crying.

But when she did, she suddenly couldn't stop.

_And that night she brushed her teeth and pocketed an old bottle of sleeping pills from the cabinet. She'd returned to Noah's room and slipped them under her pillow._

_Noah didn't notice. He smoked and then called her over to his bed, and her legs numbly carried her over, and he did whatever he pleased, and she didn't fight._

_She didn't fight at all._

_And she returned to her mattress and she'd never felt so awful and so disgusting and so_ done _in her life._

_And she took as many pills as she could._

Skye flinched at the hand on her back, but quickly warmed to the touch when she realized it was Coulson. He was by her side in an instant, and so was May, and Fitz and Simmons and Trip looked on worriedly, and Skye sobbed shamelessly for at least another few minutes, fully melting into Coulson's embrace as he pulled her close and rubbed soothing little circles on her back.

With one last hiccup, Skye wiped the tears off her cheeks, flushing bright red as she realized how much attention was on her.

"What's going on?" Coulson asked her gently. "You've been off all day, from what I was told."

May didn't say anything, but her expression told Skye everything she needed to know.

Skye looked away, feeling really dumb at the whole thing. She hadn't thought of the Fischers in a long, long time.

And the smell of that _stupid fucking candle_ triggered all these terrible memories, and she gritted her teeth and clenched her jaw and her gaze shifted over towards it and Coulson followed where her eyes were leading and suddenly he put the cover on the candle to douse the flame.

He didn't ask why the candle bothered her so much. But he wasted no time in disposing of it.

"Is it the candle itself or the scent?" he asked.

"The scent," Skye responded with another hiccup.

"I'm so sorry," Coulson said.

"It's okay," Skye reassured him, wiping her cheeks. "You didn't know."

"Next time, please tell us," Coulson said softly. "Please."

May nudged her. "And always tell me if something in training bothers you," she added, her voice gentle.

Skye nodded. "Thank you," she whispered hoarsely, wrapping her arms around Coulson again.

_Skye had woken up in the hospital._

_She never saw the Fischers again._


	2. Chapter 2

"I hate dresses."

May just smirked to herself as she swiped a little bit of taupe lipstick on her bottom lip. Skye narrowed her eyes, holding her arms awkwardly as she scrutinized her reflection. May had to admit, the dress didn't really suit her. It was too stuffy. "I feel like a sausage," she commented. "Like a really itchy sausage."

"An itchy sausage?" May raised an eyebrow. Skye's cheeks flushed a bit.

"It's tight," Skye quickly explained. "And this material sucks."

"Then go pick out another dress. Just be quick, wheels up in twenty."

As Skye scurried off to change her outfit, May touched up the last of her makeup, wrinkling her nose when she was finished. Like Skye, she hated dressing up, but she knew better than to complain. It was all part of the job, after all. Even still, the sight of the navy blue bodycon dress hugging her body and the feeling of her high heel shoes digging into her feet definitely made her uncomfortable. As long as there was no dancing, she figured she could put up with it.

When Skye returned, May felt a flash of warmth flicker in her chest. She looked beautiful, and the A line dress she'd picked out looked much more comfortable. "Better?" May asked. Skye nodded. "You look nice."

Skye's cheeks turned red and a wobbly, surprised smile formed on her lips. "Thanks," she managed to spit out incredulously. May just rolled her eyes. "You look... also nice."

"Is that the best you can do?" May chuckled. "Come on, we should head to the Zephyr."

As they walked down to the hangar - Skye barefoot, carrying her heels in one hand, which May assumed she wasn't going to put on until she absolutely had to - May ran over the details of the op with her. They were headed to a party that they suspected was an undercover Hydra recruitment event. Skye was backup, as she was still very new to the field, and all she had to do was cover for May if things went south. However, that was very unlikely - they were just there gathering intel on some of the new recruits. Any and all information was valuable - so May encouraged her to report anything and everything she found.

As they took their seats on the Zephyr, May couldn't help but to notice that Skye looked a bit nervous. "You're going to be fine," May reassured her. "Remember your training." Skye nodded hesitantly.

"I'm good, I'm good," Skye said quickly, smiling feebly at her SO.

"You have your ID?" May asked. Skye nodded, pulling the fake ID Fitz printed out of her little purse.

"I'm always blown away by his work," she commented. "I was never able to produce one this good."

"You were also doing it out of a van with minimal supplies." May pulled hers out and held it up against Skye's. Brynn and Jamie Leydon. Daughter and mother.

"What if they stop us?" Skye asked, suddenly nervous.

"You hacked in and put us on the guest list. I watched you do it." May raised an eyebrow. "You're going to be fine. I wouldn't have brought you on a high-risk op as one of your first ones. There's nothing to worry about."

"Okay... okay..." Skye closed her eyes, steadying her breathing the way May taught her. May watched her carefully. She wasn't used to this nervous Skye, and while one could chalk it up to rookie jitters, she couldn't fight the feeling that something more was going on. Skye had been a bit off for about a week now. She'd panicked in training about a week ago, and then was crying at dinner that night. The candle Coulson had lit bothered her. But May couldn't figure out why, and Skye hadn't seemed to shake whatever funk she was in since then, especially around May.

"Trust me," May reassured her, hoping that maybe a little bit of positive reinforcement would help the rookie feel a little more confident. "You'll be fine."

~/~

Skye had been anxious the entire night.

She desperately wanted to prove herself to May, to show her she wasn't some pathetic crybaby kid who wasn't fit for the job. Especially after last week's fiasco... The incident with the candle was still fresh in everyone's minds, and she knew, she just _knew_ that May was watching her carefully now. Judging her every move. Waiting for her to screw up.

She wanted _so badly_ to be a good agent. And she respected and looked up to May so much; all she wanted was for May to like her.

 _"I have eyes on some kids, they're headed downstairs. I think that's where the recruitment is taking place,"_ May's voice rang over the comm. _"I'm going in."_

 _"Get out at the first sign of danger,"_ came Coulson's voice. _"Do not engage."_

Skye couldn't fight the twinge of worry in her stomach. She knew her SO could handle herself, but it still made her nervous to know she was going into the belly of the beast alone.

Speaking of alone... Skye felt very out of place out in the crowd on her own. She made her way over by the stairs, trying to look busy by scrolling through her phone and sipping on her water. Of course, she didn't want to _look_ out of place, but she was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with all the people around.

However, as an agent in training, she knew better than to block out the room completely and was very aware as she felt a presence coming towards her. She looked up, her breath catching in her throat as she recognized one of the Hydra agents from the briefing.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing all alone over here?" he asked. "You're missing out on all the fun."

 _Play it cool,_ she told herself. _Maybe your cover isn't blown, maybe he's just being friendly_. With a smile, she replied, "Just getting a quick drink. I've been dancing all night!"

"Great party, huh?" he continued, leaning against the wall to face her. Skye, immediately feeling boxed in, adjusted her own stance and inched a little bit away from the wall, trying to be discreet while also trying to give herself an opening to run if she needed to. _But with May downstairs with all those Hydra agents, anything I do to blow our cover will put her in so much danger..._ "What's your name?"

"Brynn," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "A beautiful name to suit a beautiful girl."

Skye could have gagged. He was really laying it on thick, and if Skye didn't know she was talking to one of the more important Hydra agents who was brimming with intel they needed, she would have made some sort of snarky remark and walked away. Instead, she giggled. "Aww, stop it!" she gushed. "You're gonna make me blush!"

The young man smiled. "You know, girls tend to only be either beautiful or smart, never both. But you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders. You might be the exception to that rule."

 _Sexist bastard._ "Aww, stop, you're too sweet!"

"A smart girl like you must have a reason for being here," he continued. Skye's heart skipped a beat. _He knows. Oh God he knows. I blew it. I blew our cover._ "Do you trust me? I can show you something amazing that can change your life forever."

 _Oh! He thinks I'm here for the recruitment. This is great! I can get a firsthand look at what's going on._ "Of course," she replied, holding his gaze and smiling. _May will be so proud of me. This is my chance to prove I can be a good agent!_ "Hail Hydra."

The young Hydra agent smiled, a satisfied glint in his eye. "Atta girl," he cooed. "Hail Hydra indeed."

But to her surprise, he grabbed her hand and started up the stairs. Apprehension prickled in her stomach, but Skye pushed it away. _Maybe May was wrong?_ she thought. _Or maybe downstairs is just one of the places they're doing it?_ Either way, she couldn't fight the churning worry in her stomach as they ascended and went down the hallway. At the same time... just a week ago she'd freaked out and left in the middle of training. The incident was still fresh in her mind, and she knew that her team members remembered it clearly too. She'd panicked over a candle, for Christ's sake.

 _"Downstairs was a bust. Couldn't get close enough to see anything without compromising myself. I'm heading back upstairs."_ May's voice came in through the comms.

If May couldn’t get the intel, maybe Skye would. She’d be so proud of her when she returned with a firsthand look at what Hydra was doing, who they had, what their plans were… It was time she proved herself to her team. She didn't want them seeing her as the weak one who cried over a candle.

She didn't want May to give up on her.

The room at the end of the hallway had a couple of Hydra agents standing guard. The guy nudged one of the guards, shooting him a look, and they stepped aside. He opened the door, and led Skye in.

Skye's stomach flipped when she saw it was a bedroom.

_"Skye, rendezvous in five. We should go."_

Suddenly, she could feel her heart start thudding in her chest, and he shut the door behind them. To try and calm her nerves, she took a couple small sips of her water, hoping it would settle her stomach. "You know," the young man said, coming up behind her and snaking his arm around her waist. She suppressed a flinch, though she couldn't help it as her muscles tensed up. "You're really not like other girls. There's something... very alluring about you. You're incredibly smart. Must be those Asian genes."

 _Fucking racist, too._ "Guess so," she murmured, her mind buzzing.

"Not too many of our female Hydra recruits are as bold as you are. As dedicated. I admire that." Her skin crawled as he flipped her around to face him, pulling her close to his chest. Acutely aware of his traveling hands, she suppressed a shudder. "And this time around, it seems there are so many guys. I'm usually in charge of the initiation for the girls, and I haven't had the pleasure of doing a single one tonight."

Skye could feel herself trembling. Her legs felt frozen in place as he pulled away, his hand still clasping hers, trying to lead her to the bed. Her chest tightened as those fresh memories of Noah Fischer flashed in her mind.

_No one wants you. I'm doing you a favor._

_"Skye? Where are you?"_ May's voice sounded nervous, but also stern. Skye's stomach rolled.

Coulson's voice came over the comms. _"Skye, are you there?"_

_"Skye?"_

"Come on, pretty girl," the Hydra agent cooed. "Don't you want to know all of Hydra's secrets? Don't you want to be a part of something bigger than yourself?"

Was the intel worth it? _Would_ she get any information out of this? Skye's mind was reeling, and the room started spinning a bit as he came closer again, his hands finding their way on her lower back, coaxing her to him again, and now that he was so close his hot breath tickled her neck, now that Coulson and May were in her ear calling for her, she reached up and cut the comms, not willing to risk him hearing them and blowing their cover.

Now she was entirely alone with this man.

And as his lips grazed her neck, as his fingers wormed their way where she didn't want them, she couldn't help but forget her training as paralyzing fear took over her system. She could have talked her way out of it. She could have kicked his ass Cavalry-style. But memories of the Fischers, still fresh in her mind from being upturned just a week ago, clouded her judgement, and she felt like a lost, helpless child with no way out.

And the room felt like it was spinning and everything was getting a little blurry and a thought crossed her mind, that maybe when she'd passed those guards she hadn't had her eyes on her drink, that now even though she'd only had a little bit she was stuck and she wouldn't be able to fight her way out but now it wouldn't even be worth it because she wouldn't even pick up on any information, much less remember it later.

Feebly, she started to pull away. She had to try at least. He kept his firm grip on her as she started to fight to get away, and vaguely she heard him taunting her; "I thought you were smarter than that. Don't you want your life to have a greater purpose?"

_“I'm doing you a favor.”_

She managed to push herself away. She stumbled towards the door. He easily seized her by her wrists and pinned her against the wall.

Her breath hitched, her head swirling with horrible memories and sheer terror and whatever the hell was slipped in her water. "Stop fighting," he hissed in her ear. "I don't know how many other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are here, but if you keep resisting, I'll make sure all of them suffer."

_May..._

He chuckled as Skye's expression twisted into shock and disbelief. "Of course I knew," he muttered, tugging at the zipper on her dress. "I can spot a stupid, untrained agent a mile away."

And Skye felt numb as he pulled her back over to the bed, pinning her down on her back, and she didn't fight.

She didn't fight.

And her head was clouded and foggy and tears pricked the corners of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. And this stranger was on top of her, and she just stared at the ceiling, willing for it to be over, when suddenly the door busted open and in marched Melinda May, who was on them in an instant, throwing the man off of Skye and punching him _hard_ in the face, starting to beat the crap out of him.

"Get out!" May shouted at Skye. "Get to the van. Now!"

Skye hesitated, but as May shouted again to get out, she felt her senses kick into overdrive once more and she stumbled out the door, bolting down the stairs and as her eyes glanced around the room she saw a handful of S.H.I.E.L.D. reinforcements sweeping the area, and quickly she spun around and glanced back up, suddenly aware that she left May behind, but as she emerged at the top of the stairs covered in blood - probably that Hydra agent's blood, Skye told herself - she felt a little bit better, and she darted outside to where an undercover S.H.I.E.L.D. van was already waiting for her.

She took a seat in the back, tapping her foot anxiously until May joined her.

The van took off.

They rode in silence.

And Skye sat in her seat, her head still buzzing from the drug in her water, her skin still crawling from thoughts of the guy's hands all over her. She couldn't get the images of him or Noah Fischer out of her head, and she cursed herself mentally for being so weak, for letting it happen again and again, and now May wasn't going to want to be her SO anymore because she was pathetic and stupid and couldn't fight her way out and just let that man start touching her, start kissing her...

_Stupid, weak, pathetic, stupid-_

And her heart was still racing and she knew she wasn't breathing evenly but she couldn't stop _thinking_ about it all, and the thoughts wouldn't stop and the memories just kept flooding back and that feeling of being a lost, unwanted, helpless child wouldn't go away and she could feel her mind slipping back into that dark, terrible place it had been when she'd attempted to end it all.

_May's not going to train you anymore._

_No one wants you._

Skye gritted her teeth, fighting back tears as the van pulled into the Zephyr. May and Skye exited, taking their seats on the plane, and Skye was acutely aware of May eyeing her as they sat in silence.

_She doesn’t want you._

_You’re nothing._

_Pathetic, stupid, stupid, stupid-_

"Don't _ever_ go dark like that again," May finally said, her voice holding a stern, angry note to it. _She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t want you. Weak, stupid, pathetic-_ "Did you forget all your training? You shouldn't have-"

But she stopped as Skye burst into tears, burying her face in her hands.

"Skye..."

"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper, broken up by her crackling, thick voice.

_She doesn’t want you._

_She’s giving up on you._

_You deserve it._

"Skye... Skye it's okay, we were just worried, we're not mad-"

"I let it happen... I didn't even fight. I never fight. I just..." _Weak, pathetic, stupid._ Another sob wracked Skye's body, and May placed a gentle hand on her back, rubbing soothingly.

"You just froze up," May murmured sympathetically. "I expect that from a new agent. It's okay. I'm just pissed at that bastard for what he did."

_“I’m doing you a favor. You should thank me.”_

_Stupid, weak, pathetic-_

"It's not just that..." Skye shifted, wiping the tears off her cheeks and pulling her legs up to her chest. "I never fight. I always let it happen. I'm too weak."

"Skye... you're not weak," May assured her softly. "I promise you. You're not weak." When Skye didn't say anything, May asked gently, "This... has happened to you before. Hasn't it."

Skye's whole body shuddered, and she nodded, hugging her knees to her chest as fresh tears streamed down her cheeks.

_Filthy, disgusting, stupid-_

_Pathetic, weak, nothing-_

_She won’t want you-_

"Hey... Hey, take some deep breaths... You're okay, I promise." May rubbed Skye's back again, and Skye drew a shaky breath, knowing she owed the woman an explanation.

"The candle," Skye managed to say after a beat. May looked over at her, raising an eyebrow, waiting for her to speak. Skye took another deep breath. _Filthy, disgusting, stupid-_ "The candle... I don't think I would have frozen that way if the candle hadn't brought back those memories. I'm sorry..." Skye dropped her gaze, her voice growing strangled. _She won’t want you-_ "I'm so sorry, you don't have to train me anymore, I know I'm weak, I'm pathetic, I'm-"

"Hey," May cut her off. "I'll _never_ think of you that way. I love being your SO." After a moment, she hesitantly added, "Do you want to talk about it? It’s okay not to. But it might help."

Skye shook her head quickly and May didn't prompt her any further. She just kept rubbing her back softly as Skye let more tears run down her cheeks, but she knew she had to speak. She owed May an explanation.

She couldn’t let past memories control her anymore. Not if she was going to have any chance of being as good of an agent as May.

Eventually she wiped away the last remaining tears on her cheeks and stared straight ahead as she started to explain. "The Fischers. A foster family I had a long time ago. Their house smelled like that candle all the time. They... they had a son. Noah."

May's hand stiffened on her back. Skye took another deep breath.

"I was sixteen... no, fifteen, I think. He was eighteen. The house wasn't good to begin with, but it was the normal stuff - the dad was an alcoholic and he wasn't around much. The mom was strict and just not very nice. I was just grateful she wasn't the physical type."

May gritted her teeth but didn't say anything. Skye squeezed her eyes shut as she felt another round of tears welling. _Stupid, stupid, stupid-_

"I... I was getting real sick of it. You know? Fifteen years in the system, no stability, no one who cared about me. It was all stuff I should have been used to. But I was getting tired and fed up. Noah smoked every night, and I wanted some. I'd been high a few times and it helped a lot - it helped me forget. It helped me feel okay. But... but he taught me from the moment I set foot in his house that everything came with a price. Nothing was free. I didn't have my own room. I had an air mattress in the corner of _his_ room."

May removed her hand from her back. Skye turned her gaze up to the ceiling, letting the tears fall once more.

_Filthy, disgusting, pathetic-_

"I... I didn't want to. I was so afraid. But I couldn't do anything. I couldn't fight him... I couldn't get out." She drew a shuddery breath before continuing. "He told me I was nothing... He said... he said that no one wanted me... no one wanted me and... and he was doing me a favor. And I... He started... he started doing things to me every night. And I stopped... I stopped fighting. I... I never fought. I just... I just let it happen."

May was completely still next to her. _Disgusting, stupid, pathetic, weak-_ She looked away, focusing her eyes towards the corner. "I... that was the first time I'd ever tried to... kill myself. I couldn't... take it anymore... I couldn't see any other way out."

Those last words hung in the air for a minute. Skye buried her face in her knees, wishing she could hide from the world. There was absolutely no way she'd ever be a field agent now. Now May knew. Now she could see her for who she really was.

 _Pathetic, disgusting, stupid, stupid, stupid_ -

"I'm going to fucking murder him."

Skye looked up sharply. May was _seething_. Her hands were balled in fists and her jaw was set and her teeth were gritted and Skye didn't think she'd ever seen her that mad, not even after Ward betrayed them all.

"May-"

" _No one_ should ever have to go through that shit. And you were a _kid_. He preyed on you and you were a _kid_."

"It's okay, I-"

"It's not okay!" May stood, starting to pace back and forth. Skye watched her helplessly, unsure what to do or how to feel. "It's not fucking okay! He just _got away_ with that shit? Didn't his mother _do_ anything about it?"

"She didn't know, and she wouldn't have blamed him-"

"That's bullshit! That's absolute fucking _bullshit_!" She stopped, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. She sighed. "You were a _kid_. He took advantage of a _kid_." She shook her head. "He made your life a living hell. And you couldn't see any other way out. And you were just a kid." Taking her seat again, she murmured again, "God, you were just a kid."

"I'm sorry." Skye looked away again. "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I let it happen. I never fought."

"It. Wasn't. Your. Fault." May turned to face her again. "Look at me." Slowly, Skye lifted her watery gaze to meet May's, and was shocked at the ferocity of her expression. " _Never_ feel like that was your fault. Okay? And you are _not_ weak or pathetic or stupid for not fighting. You were young, and defenseless, and you didn't have any control over your situation. Don't _ever_ feel like it was your fault. Don't _ever_ apologize for the shit that fucking bastard did to you. Okay?"

Skye nodded. "Okay," she breathed. "Okay."

"What happened tonight wasn't your fault either," May continued. "If anything, it's mine. I left you alone and I shouldn't have. Not when you're still so new to the field and still learning. And this op wasn't supposed to be dangerous. I told you it was going to be fine. I'm sorry."

"What?" Skye stared at her incredulously. "No. This isn't on you either. You couldn't have known... There was no way that-"

"Even still," May said. "I shouldn't have left you alone. I knew you were nervous, and I knew something had been bugging you recently."

Skye didn't know what to say.

"I've been worried about you," May murmured. "You've been off ever since the candle."

Skye dropped her gaze, nodding, taking it in. "I didn't want you to think... You know, because of what happened in training that day... I didn't want you to think that... I wanted to prove myself to you, but I was worried that..."

"I know." May nudged her gently, and Skye looked up again. "But I promise you, I'm so incredibly proud of you. And I think you're so strong for surviving through everything that happened."

Skye smiled shyly. "Thank you," she whispered. "That... means a lot. Really."

May nodded reassuringly. "And I can also promise you," she continued, an intense fire still burning in her gaze, "that if _anyone_ ever lays a finger on you again, there will be _hell_ to pay."


End file.
